Jarry Ponder and the Operative's Rock
by theguywhohasaname
Summary: Yes, yes, I realize that I've been dead for a long time. And that I never thought I'd write anything like this. And, yes, that this isn't a proper summary. But, hey- it's Harry Potter with a healthy dose of James Bond, and it was written by moi. You know
1. The Boy Who Didn't Die

**What _am_ I thinking? Good question, folks. I'm not entirely sure myself. But, hey, you expect this kind of strange stuff from me, right? So, why disappoint the fans? Right, right, I'll get to the point. I'm gonna, strictly and purely because I have nothing else to do, write the worst garbage imaginable. Ready for the "plan"? Well, alright. Have you ever imagined what it might be like if 007 were a wizard? Or if Harry Potter were a secret agent? No? Good, I'm relieved to see I'm the only idiot capable of sinking _that_ low. In any case, I decided to go a step lower than even those horrible ideas. I've COMBINED the two! Bwaha! Now, cower in fear as I unleash Jarry Ponder into Pigpimples School of Witchcraft and Gadgetry, hopefully for the last time ever....**

**Chapter One: The Boy Who Didn't Die (Take that, copyright)**

Rivet Drive was hardly riveting- Excepting that it was where rivets were sold, and on this particular day 'twas raining. What does the rain have to do with it? The rain ran in rivets. So shut up and let me, the distinguished Englished, get on with the story. At 12345 Rivet Drive lived the most ordinary family you could imagine. Well... Alright, maybe not. But, there lived the No's. Julius No, his son Defnitly No, and their maid Juanita all had a perfectly normal, no-nonsense life, hijacking nuclear weaponry and using it to attempt global domination.

Now, it so happens, on one particular fateful day, Julius was heading out for work and he saw a cat at the corner of Rivet Drive and Unusual Place reading a map. He hardly noticed, however, for he was too busy running over the cat with his front left tire. Twice. Wait, wait, three times. Okay, four, and then he continued on his way, wondering what on earth he had seen. However, he quickly forgot about it on the way to the other end of Rivet Drive, where he would commence selling Rivets. It just wasn't proper to sell rivets on the East side of Rivet Drive, after all. On the way, he spotted another unusual occurance; there were people in black robes zooming over the street in jetpacks. Now, Julius didn't approve of people who dressed strangely, and was quick to use the laser weapon he kept in the back seat to vaporize half a dozen jet-packed robe-wearers. Afterward, it occured to him that maybe they were doing it as some sort of stunt, or perhaps they were collecting. As it turned out, he was right, and had to evade the police.

When Dr. No arrived at the building in which he worked, he went right to his office and began working immediately. He kept his door facing the window, so that anyone who might enter through the doorway would be left in suspense as to his true identity. This was rather fortunate for him, as hundreds of owls were wrongly delivered to his building and constantly flew by the open door. However, Dr. No, with his back turned to all of this, had a perfectly normal owl-free day. He yelled at a few people, dropped a few henchmen into a pool of pirahna, and was feeling generally very happy by lunch. Then, things changed entirely. On his way back from Ye Olde Donut Shoppe, a place he frequented, he ran into a man who was dressed in black robes- but this one had no jet pack. And he saw no collecting tins... This all worried him very much, and he was certain this was an enemy spy. He flung his arms into the air, dropping the box of donuts he had only just purchased, and rambled off an obviously memorized statement of how he had no involvement in any of the recent illegal weapon dealings. This all proved to be pointless, as the man simply hugged him around the waist and said,

"Rejoice, good sir! Even moogles like yourself should-"

The man cut himself off as he saw a little white creature walk by, and promptly saved his game with it after apologizing to Dr. No over the misunderstanding. Now that that bit of Final Fantasy reference is out of the way, it would be worth mentioning that Julius No had heard the man whisper the name "Jarry Ponder" as he had saved his progress with the moogle. This worried Dr. No very much, as Juanita had told him all about her sister's friend-of-a-friend Lilac Ponder and how she very much preferred to pretend her sister didn't have a friend-of-a-friend. He rushed to his car and made equal haste in getting back home to tell Juanita all about his day. When he got as far as the man talking to the moogle, he suddenly wondered if it was such a good idea to mention Juanita's sister's friend-of-a-friend's son to her. Unfortunately for him, he only wondered that _after_ he had told her.

"WHAT?!" This, of course, was Juanita's reaction.

"I just thought you should know," replied the doctor meekly.

The house shook with their ensuing argument, Julius insisting that they should find out just what was going on, and Juanita insisting that Julius become well acquainted with the sharp end of her pocket knife. After much debate, or rather once Juanita finally cornered Julius, they (she) decided on just leaving the matter alone.

Now, as it so happens, the cat Julius No had run over that morning was only the stunt double for the cat who was really supposed to be there at the time. At that night, just in time for this next scene, the cat came back and managed to hide the remains of it's stunt double well enough under a bush before it was distracted. The distraction came in the form of an old man sliding down a wire lowered from a completely silent helicopter hovering overhead. The man had long silver hair and an equally lengthy silver beard, which he had neatly tucked into his ninja gear. As his feet touched the ground, he waved the helicopter away and eyed the street lights. He focused carefully on a spell to put them out, so that he could avoid discovery, and had almost finished the incantation when he muttered and misplaced a syllable. The lights suddenly grew immensely bright, blinding all who were looking out their windows. The wizard shrugged his shoulders. He had, after all, achieved the same effect- no one would see him now.

The cat screamed and suddenly grew and changed it's form to that of a human woman. The woman muttered a spell of her own, and dark sunglasses were conjured over her eyes.

"Mumblemore, what _are_ you thinking?" she asked.

"Ah, Professor McGonagall- though, I suppose I should call you by your codename tonight. In any case, I suppose I should have expected you to be here, Agent Moneyknutty."

"Does this really qualify as such a high class mission?" Moneyknutty McGonagall questioned, unsure exactly what had brought Mumblemore to Rivet Drive tonight anyway.

Mumblemore merely nodded his head thoughtfully, staring upward as if waiting for something to drop from the sky. After studying the heavens for a moment, he lifted his right arm and inspected his wristwatch. The watch was brightly colored and made of cheap plastic, and he sighed upon finding that it was broken.

"Never again will I purchase my watches from McDonalds. Moneyknutty, those sunglasses do look most fetching on you. Reminds me of a song..." At this, Moneyknutty and Mumblemore both broke into song.

"I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can watch you weave then breathe your story lines..."

The badly sung duet was interrupted as a giant unicycle fell out of the sky and landed in front of them. And if the unicycle was huge, it was nothing compared to the man who rode it. He was nearly twice the height of any other man, and the rest of him was proportionate to his height. The man dismounted his unicycle and held out a carefully bundled baby to Mumblemore. Moneyknutty McGonagall gasped as it dawned on her who this man was, and just what it was Mumblemore had entrusted him with.

"You trusted Haggard Jaws with... Oh, and that can't be... Mumblemore, that just _can't_ be- I've heard it said that Lilac and Jameson Ponder are... But, they aren't, are they? And that isn't...?" The distraught woman looked hopefully to Mumblemore, but he failed to reassure her.

"Yes, I'm sorry. Lilac and Jameson are dead. And yes, that is their son, Jarry."

"But how did he live? It was... /01)30®7, wasn't it?" she asked, speaking his name in leet out of pure fear.

"Moneyknutty, please! Call him by his proper name; _Voldemort_ Stavro Blofeld. It all gets so confusing if we speak it in leet, Mumblemore insisted.

"Er, sorreh to interrupt yeh sir, but shouldnae we be gettin' this lil lad sommer safe?" Haggard interrupted, flashing them a nervous grin with his steel teeth.

After agreeing, Mumblemore took Jarry from Haggard's still-outstretched arms and led the others over to the doorstep of the No residence. He began fishing around for something in his pocket, but McGonagall suddenly realized what he intended, and made her objection clear.

"Mumblemore, you can _not_ leave that boy here! He's a Ponder! Everyone in our world knows his name, and he can't possibly go to live with these people anyway, they're horrible! They ran over my stunt double!" She argued, but Mumblemore merely shook his head in response.

He pulled a note from his pocket and laid both Jarry and the note at the doorstep, then stepped away. Haggard was now crying, and McGonagall still looked positively horrified at the thought of leaving Jarry Ponder with the No's.

"Moneyknutty, that is precisely why he must stay with these people. Growing up a celebrity for something he can't even remember, well... Well, then I wouldn't have an excuse to leave him with complete strangers. I'm an eccentric old man, leave me alone."

The others didn't dare to argue with him, as many considered him the most powerful wizard ever, though Haggard did ask if he could say a proper goodbye. This consisted of Haggard, who had a beard and hair that together encompassed the majority of his face, giving Jarry what must have been a very scratchy kiss- and accidentally got his teeth snagged on Jarry's sleeve and easily ripped a hole in it in the process.

"Er... Sorreh." quoth Haggard.

"Oh, don't worry about it. Julius No has a son about Jarry's age, I'm sure they'll have a replacement shirt or two. May we see the boy again soon... To the boy who didn't die!" Mumblemore exclaimed.

"And... To the cat that did," Moneyknutty McGonagall added, gesturing at the bush she'd buried the stuntcat under.

McGonagall and Haggard left silently, and only Mumblemore stayed behind to try to put the lights back to normal. He tried the spell he had attempted earlier, and finally succeeded on the fourth try, lowering the light level to what it had been before he'd messed up the first spell. He then turned to leave, and merely uttered, "Good luck, Jarry," before tripping over his cloak and falling into an interdimensional wormhole one of his prior failed spells had generated.

Jarry Ponder slept peacefully for the remainder of the night, never dreaming that he would be awoken the next morning by Juanita's screams as she tried to knock him off the doorstep with her broom before being stopped just in time by Julius. Never dreaming that he would spend the next day being told "No. Deffy No!" by young Defnitly No. Never dreaming that he came into being only to amuse a few people before probably being forgotten and abandoned by the author before even the first book was finished.


	2. Rowling for Titles

**CHAPPA TWOOOO! ahem That is, dear readers, here begins the second chapter. Ready? Well, here 'tis....**

**Chapter Two: Rowling for Titles (Ah. Haha. Hahaha... Ha... cough)**

Nothing much had changed about 12345 Rivet Drive, outwardly, though 10 years had passed since that fateful night blah blah blah. Look, if you're reading this, surely you must be familiar with how this chapter starts out in The Sorcerer's Stone. So, just imagine that; only funnier, and with less regard for human life. Er... Now then....

Jarry's bedroom, if it could be called that, was the cramped cupboard-area under the sink. And, no matter _how_ the real estate agent describes it, let me assure you; it was NOT 'cozy.' It was rather painful sleeping with a pipe jammed against your leg, bent in an awkward position- and then, of course, there was waking up. Every morning, Jarry awoke to the same thing, and this one was no different.

"EL BANGO!" Juanita yelled, slamming the handle end of her broom down into the sink, finally managing to puncture the basin. Jarry awoke just in time to shift his position enough that the broom missed puncturing his stomach as well, and sighed sleepily.

"Yes, yes, I'm getting up..." Jarry whined in a cross between a propah einglish auksent and a scottish one. And no, I don't intend on writing out his words pre-accented. Accent them yourself, ye lazy bastids. Right, so then Jarry opened the door leading outward into less-cramped spaces and quickly rolled out of it to avoid Juanita's swat with the dustpan. Every morning, Juanita set up new traps to try to eliminate Jarry on the way to the bathroom to clean up for breakfast, and again this morning was no different. Jarry was forced to crawl along the floor, hugging the ground closely to avoid Juanita's rat-poison tipped toothpicks before he could even leave the kitchen. In the hall, he had to do several aerial maneuvers to avoid her Jarry-seeking, acid-spitting carpet cleaner; and finally he had to punch in the correct code on the bathroom door (which Juanita changed daily) or be disintegrated by wall-mounted lasers.

Naturally, Jarry managed his way through, and was in the process of washing his hands when he saw the door slip open; just a crack. He wouldn't have payed it any mind, but before he could refocus his attention, a small metal cylinder poked through the crack, and he knew at once that Juanita was attempting yet another assassination. He waited until he saw her finger on the trigger, and just as it started to squeeze he threw himself against the door, causing her to misfire. Juanita's attempts for the day thwarted, Jarry continued with his daily preparation. Breakfast was uneventful as usual, as long as you consider uneventful to mean one poisoning attempt and being pounded with Defnitly's fist.

After breakfast, Julius set down his newspaper ("Tomorrow," naturally) and proceeded to ask Defnitly what he wanted to do for his birthday. Jarry had completely forgotten, but was now reminded, that Defnitly turned 11 on this very day. Typically, on Defnitly's birthday, Juanita would successfully sedate Jarry with an undetectable sleeping pill and they'd all go off to do Clod-knows-what. On this particular day, however, Jarry had apparently avoided such an outcome.

"Doctor, I failed to get rid of _him_ this time... What are we going to do?" Juanita demanded, in her typical threatening manner. And so, after much debate, the unthinkable happened; it was decided that Jarry would accompany them. To skip much more bad writing and generally boring 'tween-plot babble, it turned out Defnitly wanted to go laugh at poor people. And so they got in the car and went off to find some.

On the way to wherever they were going, someone started talking about dreams. Probably Juanita talking about how she dreamed of a world without Jarry. In any case, Jarry was reminded of a dream he'd had the night prior about a unicycle...

"I dreamed about a unicycle last night. And it was flying," Jarry mentioned just loud enough for the others to hear.

"UNICYCLES DO NOT FLY!" Julius yelled, stopping the car and turning around in his seat. He waited a moment, to make sure his point was made quite clear, and then turned on the radio before continuing to drive.

"... A new model of unicycle that actually flies!" Were the first words that came from the radio, and Julius turned it off as quickly as he'd turned it on. The rest of the drive ensued in silence. Roughly half an hour since they'd begun their trip, they stopped outside a ratty diner in town.

"How's this, Deffers?" Julius asked, and his question was met with several eager nods of approval from Defnitly. The four exited the vehicle and proceeded over to the large window seperating the diner's inhabitants from the outside world. There was but a single customer inside, a very poor woman indeed, and she seemed to be trying desperately to write on a napkin.

"Make her move!" Defnitly whispered harshly to his father, who rapped his knuckles on the glass. The woman inside ignored them, and Defnitly insisted that Julius try again, which he did. The glass actually rattled somewhat, making for an altogether louder try, but still the woman just sat in her booth. Eventually Defnitly claimed she was too boring and led Julius and Juanita into a side alley to look for someone else to laugh at. Jarry stayed behind and focused on the poor woman in the diner.

"You've got writer's block in there, don't you," he muttered. To his surprise, the woman looked up at him and winked. Jarry, surprised though he was, winked back.

"You can hear me?" He asked, and the woman nodded her head; he was actually able to communicate with her! He glanced to the side of the window, where there was mounted a plaque that stated "Aunty May's, conceived in Brooklyn." Jarry looked back at the woman, who was still staring intently back at him, and questioned her again.

"Conceived in Brooklyn, huh?" To which the woman shook her head fiercely and pointed toward the sign. Jarry read the smaller print, which stated that the woman sitting at the window booth was NOT Aunt May.

"Oh, I see. Then you've never met your family?" He asked, and the woman shook her head again, this time simply with frustration. Jarry felt he could relate, but before he could continue his conversation, Defnitly shouted something from behind him.

"Look at what this poor woman is doing, dad!" And with that, Defnitly shoved Jarry out of the way and pressed his face up against the glass to watch the woman, who was now scribbling furiously on her napkin. Jarry, startled, hardly noticed when the glass simply vanished and Defnitly fell into the booth right across from the poor woman. The woman screamed and glared first at Jarry, then at Defnitly, then Jarry again.

"I am going to SUE whomever is responsible for this mockery of my writing!" It appeared that the woman was quite angry about something, but Jarry wasn't sure what it might be. He offered the woman a few writing tips, but this only served to further infuriate her. Eventually the woman stormed off, yelling something about having to work on Letters From Nowhere. Jarry would have spent more time pondering the situation, but he then noticed Julius' rather angry look. He then applied his brainpower to trying to find a way out of the situation... And found one.

"Dr. No, why do you have that necklace Juanita said she lost?"

This, as you can imagine, was enough to get Juanita jabbing something dangerous at Julius. Jarry only hoped it lasted long enough for him to hide safely away under the sink... And his luck held out. With Juanita threatening to hang Julius by his own intestines, the doctor was clearly intent on getting home as fast as he could anyway. He was the first in the car, with Juanita following close behind, and once everyone was at least partially within the car he drove as fast as his spedometer would allow. The ride home was nothing to concern Jarry, as Julius was the only one in any immediate danger, and he was left on his own long enough to escape to the Undersink. Later that night, long after everyone else was asleep, Jarry lay awake thinking about his situation. But, it was really very boring and wouldn't have much effect on the story anyway, so I'll just skip it. And yes, don't worry folks, it's the last time I will skip such 'vital' information.


	3. Ian Letters Fleming From Ian Nowhere Fle...

**Well, folks, this is the most I've worked on any singular story in... Well, a long time. So be happy I'm sticking with it, if you like it. If ya don't- pray for my downfall! It'll be a mutual thing, so don't be shy. ahem Anyways, here is the next chapter. Yeah, yeah, boring opening. Sorry. Here 'tis....**

Chapter Three: Ian Letters Fleming From Ian Nowhere Fleming (There, I worked his name into the title.)

The escape of the poor woman got Jarry in pretty damn big trouble. By the time he was let out from under the sink, he was 40 years old and had worked out a brilliant theory on time warps. He practically applied this theory, and managed to get back to when he was 10-going-on-11 and helped himself come up with a brilliant way to get out of the whole mess. What was it? It would take too much time to tell you, but I'm sure you'll be happy to know it worked. Since he got out from under the sink the day after releasing the poor woman from the diner, the whole time warp thing never happened. Well, you know, it did- or else he wouldn't have gotten out. But, it was _like_ it never did. Because... Oh, let's just get on with the story.

In any case, Jarry decided that it wasn't as much fun being out from under the sink as he'd thought, so he went back in until the summer holidays. This, as well as saving the author some time, made things more correct along the HP storyline. Jarry looked forward greatly to going to school after the holidays, as it would be the first year he would go to an all-boys school, which meant he wouldn't have to watch out for Juanita constantly. He had gotten rather used to fighting her off in the hallways as she tried to strangle him with a jump rope from within his locker, sure, but there were some things he could do without. Thinking about school reminded him that Defnitly would be going off to Evil Genius School, which meant that his life would be made considerably easier all around.

One day in late July, Juanita took Defnitly to Australia to buy his school uniform. It was pretty hard to find proper Evil Genius attire that was simultaneously completely different from everyone else's, after all, and the last thing Defnitly wanted to do was end up looking like someone else's henchman. So, while Juanita and Defnitly were boarding their plane, Jarry was back in Random Small Town, England, being watched by Mrs. Number Eleven. Mrs. Number Eleven was a close friend of Juanita's, which didn't help to lift Jarry's spirits. He spent the majority of the day running through her garden, which had 6-foot tall hedges running all throughout it, forming a rather formidable maze. If he made a wrong turn, he faced danger in the form of some diabolical trap. If he made a right turn, it tended to mean pretty much the same thing. And all the while, Mrs. Number Eleven was right behind him, chasing him with a projectile-firing watering can.

Jarry managed to survive his stay with Mrs. Number Eleven, to Juanita's dismay, but that evening wasn't a great lot better. Jarry now had to contend with Defnitly, who was a much less pleasant person in his uniform. He wore a mundane grey suit and practised keeping his pinky outstretched and in the general vicinity of his mouth at all times, except when he used his cane (which concealed a higher-than-usual voltage cattle prod) to 'motivate' his 'henchmen' (Julius, Juanita and especially Jarry). Julius beamed at Defnitly and stated that this was the proudest moment of his life- before Defnitly jabbed him in the crotch with the cattle prod. Juanita burst into tears, and everyone thought she would make a touching statement about how grown-up her Ickle Deffers looked... Well, suffice it to say they were wrong. Juanita had apparently taken one too many jabs with the cattle prod, and even daft little Deffers knew when to run for his life. So he did.

There was a horrible smell coming from the kitchen the next morning, and both Julius and Jarry (who had seized the opportunity to sleep elsewhere) were afraid to investigate after the previous night's incident. Luckily, it turned out that Juanita and Defnitly were on good terms again, and it wasn't Deffer's rotting carcass. It was unfortunately something altogether worse from Jarry's perspective; his new school uniform. The uniform, strangely enough, was the foul-smelling uniform of an ice cream man. Jarry tried not to think about where Juanita got it, or why it smelled the way it did, or why there was some sort of dark liquid splattered over part of it... But this proved impossible as he looked out the front window to check the weather and spotted an abandoned ice cream truck in the driveway.

Juanita, sensing his concern, threw the uniform at him and stated, "You no ask _questions_!."

Breakfast was actually less eventful than it usually was, since Jarry didn't have to fight his way through traps to prepare for it this morning. Or, rather, it was uneventful until Julius insisted on Defnitly getting the mail.

"Make Jarry get it," Defnitly responded immediately.

"Jarry, get the mail," came Julius' distracted reply.

"Make Defnitly get it."

"Deffers, jab him with your Minion Motivator."

Jarry leapt forward, did a handstand on the table, and pushed off. Doing a backflip in midair, he narrowly avoided the Minion Motivator and sprang down the hall to get the mail. Two things lay on the doormat when he arrived. One appeared to be a bill, and the other- why, the other was... Oh, just a postcard from Julius' sister. Jarry turned to go back to the kitchen, passing the living room on the way- and stopped. He backtracked and stood in the doorway to the living room, staring in disbelief; there was someone coming down the chimney!

"Santa, you're early!" Jarry exclaimed, but to his surprise, it was not an old man in a red suit. It was a man in a red _robe_. And, oddly enough, ninja gear; it was this last observation that convinced Jarry it was definitely not Santa. The old man, who had ridiculously long silver hair and an equally lengthy and silver beard, merely gestured for Jarry to be quiet and then flung a letter at him much like a shuriken (ninja star, for those of you like my mom. snickers at her when she reads this). Jarry caught the letter between his teeth, very much wishing the people in Las Vegas could have seen this, and glanced at the address.

Ponder. Jarry Ponder.

Beneath the Sink

12345 Rivet Drive

Stop Your Whinging

Sir Ray (is not to open this)

The envelope was made of- Well, actually, that was nearly all there was to it. On the other side was scrawled, "Listen to the tape on the table in the hall." Jarry, curiosity mounting, emerged back into the hall and immediately spotted a tape on the small table to the right of the doorway. Picking it up, he hurried back into the kitchen upon hearing Juanita yell something in spanish that didn't sound as if she were being very patient.

Jarry handed over the letters, excepting the paper he'd received from the strange old man in the fireplace, and sat down at the table with his tape. Julius, for the sheer purpose of making this next scene easier, always kept a tape recorder/player at the table; and Jarry took advantage of this and inserted his tape.

"Dad, dad, look! Jarry's got a tape!" Defnitly suddenly shouted, jabbing Jarry with his Minion Motivator set to 'stun.' Julius grabbed the tape recorder while Jarry was immobilized, and hit play.

"Since someone other than Jarry Ponder has activated this tape, it will self destruct in 3... 2... 1..." And at that, the tape recorder promptly blew up in Julius' face. Julius' face turned a sickly shade of green...

"I knew I shouldn't have eaten that plutonium," Julius muttered. "It just looked so good..."

After spitting out a chunk of plutonium, he resumed looking horrified, a look which he shared with Juanita. While the two of them were busy looking confused, upset and generally very uncomfortable, Jarry was merely confused. He understood perfectly well that tapes were not supposed to blow up, but the tape itself did say that only he was supposed to play it, so he couldn't fathom why they were this distressed. His confusion quickly turned to disappointment, as the tape was bound to have something interesting on it had he been the one to hit play.

"That was _my_ tape..." Jarry whined, but no one was paying him much attention. Juanita and Julius were now engaging in a heated debate about '_THEM_' and '_HIM_' and '_That PLACE_' while Defnitly was trying to piece the tape recorder back together. Jarry supposed there was nothing more he could do, and stood up to leave. Julius was startled out of his conversation by this sudden movement, as if only just realizing he and Juanita weren't alone in the room.

"OUT! Both of you, out, now!" He insisted, and both boys shrugged their shoulders and left, there being nothing left to do in the kitchen for the moment.

"I really thought that'd be harder," Julius mused before resuming discussing the situation with Juanita.

The next day, Juanita did something she'd never done before. She visited Jarry under the sink without first trying to kill him. Jarry tried to think of an ulterior motive, and then remembered the exploding tape.

"Who's writing to me? What's going on?" Jarry asked before Juanita could begin speaking.

Juanita responded to this question by throwing Jarry out of the space under the sink and engaging in an epic struggle, Juanita attempting to get her hands around Jarry's throat and Jarry trying to fight her off. After a while, they wrestled their way against a wall and fought their way to a stalemate, after which Juanita finally spoke.

"The doctor and I have been talking, and we have decided that the space under the sink is entirely too small for you. We're moving you... To the closet," she finished, clearly upset that she had to lose such valuable closet space. Jarry, however, was overjoyed at getting a larger room, closet though it may be. He immediately moved everything he owned (which consisted of what he was wearing) over to the hall closet, and got settled in, forgetting all about the tape. The house only had 4 closets, and Jarry felt immensely pleased that he now had one of them all to himself. There was one closet in Julius' bedroom, one in Juanita's, one in Defnitly's, and the hall closet; which now belonged to him. From outside the closet, somewhere around the living room, came the sound of Juanita crying to Julius, "But I don't _want_ him in there... I _need_ that closet... Make him get out..." At that point, Jarry knew this wouldn't be good. Yesterday, he'd have given anything to be in the closet, but he was feeling much more open today, and decided he would much rather be out of the closet. (LAUGH with me!)

Next morning at breakfast, things were very quiet indeed. Juanita was in shock. Not because she'd screamed and tried various means to get her closet back, but because Defnitly had finally managed to jab her with his Minion Motivator set to stun. In any case, Juanita still didn't have her closet back and thus wasn't very pleased anyway. Julius, who was making quite an effort to be nice to Jarry, sent Defnitly to get the mail today. Defnitly wasn't gone for long before they heard him exclaim, "There's a letter here for Jarry! Ponder, Jarry Ponder, Come out of the closet-"

Juanita finally recovered from the Minion Motivator and raced down the hallway, tackling Defnitly and yanking the letter from his hand. Not taking the chance that someone else would steal it from her, she ripped the letter into pieces and swallowed each one.

"Go to your room!" She yelled, and upon seeing Jarry sneaking up behind her, she told him to go to his closet. Neither of the boys moved.

"Maybe you no hear so good!" Juanita yelled, this time retrieving her pocket knife. "Maybe I need to clean out your ears for you!" At this, both boys immediately ran for their respective rooms.

Jarry waited for Juanita to fall asleep, which happened every morning at exactly 6 AM. Juanita was very consistent with her sleeping. She would fall asleep at 6 AM after setting the next day's traps, and awaken exactly 30 minutes later. The woman was intent on not leaving any bit of the house go unsupervised for longer than necessary; she had to keep Jarry in line, after all. This being Jarry's only chance, he sprang forth from the closet and raced to the front door, eager to get to the day's mail before anyone else... But he had completely forgotten about the traps, and stepped on a hand-woven net lying on the floor near the front door. The net rose, ensnaring him and lifting him to the ceiling, setting off a siren that woke everyone in the house. Juanita was very cranky on half a minute of sleep, and Jarry knew that he had made a horrible mistake this time...

After locking Jarry in the closet, Juanita set to work building a laser shield projector on top of the house while thinking up an appropriate punishment for the boy. Before half the day had gone by, she had successfully enveloped the house in a protective laser shield and used it to dispose of the daily letter to Jarry.

"If they cannot deliver the letters- they will have to give up!" She claimed triumphantly, only to discover that she had been locked out of the house by an old man in a red robe and ninja gear. In fact, if it hadn't been for Julius' interference, Mumblemore may well have successfully delivered a tape to Jarry that day. Having fended off the last delivery attempt of the day, Julius let Juanita back inside the house where the two resumed discussing the situation. Since Juanita's laser shield didn't seem to deter the tape-deliverer, they would have to find some other way...

On the next day, Friday, Juanita awoke at 6:30 AM with her mouth stuffed full of tapes addressed to Jarry. After disposing of them all, she checked every possible entrance to the house for signs of anyone having come inside within the last half hour. She was very puzzled indeed when she found nothing even after testing for fingerprints and traces of foreign fabrics and the like. Julius shared her concern when she approached him with this information, but neither of them had any idea what sort of precautions they could take. All they could do was fend off the tapes until the deliverer gave up...

Saturday was even worse for the two adults of the household, who awoke to see tapes glued to Julius' bedroom wall, forming the words "Red rum." Needless to say, this particular delivery made Julius and Juanita increasingly worried, but again they both admitted there was not much more they could to to protect themselves.

The next morning at breakfast was the first time in quite a while that Jarry had seen either of the adults look happy. Defnitly, who hadn't been clued in on the latest incident, wasn't sure why they had been so worked up the previous day anyway. Julius in particular didn't even bother to eat, he was too busy looking pleased.

"No post on Sundays, and certainly no tape deliveries," he explained his peaceful state of mind. He sighed a happy sigh once or twice, staring off at nothing in particular, and then finally decided to have himself some breakfast. The second he reached for food, he froze and stared at the kitchen window. There was a rather large bit of machinery there, and within seconds it began playing a message.

"Your mission, should you choose to accept it and you DAMN well will after we went to all this trouble, is-" Before the tape could continue playing, Juanita speared the machine with an extendable, pointed salt shaker. The machine smoked a lot, threw sparks every which way, and altogether ceased functioning. Julius immediately demanded that they all be packed and ready to leave in five minutes. Jarry was about to argue, when he saw a self-destruction timer start counting down from 5 minutes on the wall. Everyone made haste.

Just in time to avoid being caught in the explosion, they had all made it into the car and were speeding away from the house. They drove for miles, they drove for hours, none but Julius knew where they were going. Now, I won't say that even Juanita was too afraid to ask, because she wasn't. She threatened to beat Julius to death with his own severed arm if he didn't tell her where they were going, but she didn't follow through with it. Apparently she decided it would be a bad idea since he was driving. Eventually Julius stopped the car at a ratty little motel, and they stayed there for the rest of the night. Everyone was miserable to some degree or another, but Julius was content knowing that they were finally safe from whomever was trying to contact Jarry...

.... But he was very wrong. The next morning when Julius opened his mouth to speak, the only noise that came out was a recording, "Your mission, should you-" He quickly closed his mouth and gestured for everyone to get in the car. And so they drove some more. They drove all day, the laser weapon that Julius has used on the jetpack stuntpeople never leaving his lap all the while. This time, not even Juanita spoke. Not due to fear, but rather because she was too busy trying to bite off Julius' right ear.

"Daddy's gone mad," Defnitly proclaimed later that day, "and he won't stop until he kills us all!"

"Wrong movie," Juanita corrected him, and the rest of the drive passed in silence. When finally they arrived at a near-deserted coastline, Julius stopped the car and nodded his head, saying that they were here. Wherever here was.

Jarry was particularly unhappy as Julius explained that they were going to crawl under an overturned boat on the beach and stay there where no delivery person could ever find them. He was unhappy, however, for an altogether different reason than he should have been (namely the fact that he'd be in unnervingly close quarters with Juanita); the following day was his eleventh birthday. Obviously, he didn't want to turn eleven huddled up against Juanita for warmth under a boat, but it couldn't be helped considering Julius' state of mind. The rest of the day passed without incident, as everyone spent what time they could entertaining themselves on the beach, until night fell.

As Defnitly and Julius fell asleep, once they had all gotten under the overturned boat, Jarry remembered Juanita's sleeping habits and became morbidly afraid for his life. Juanita lay awake, mere inches from Jarry, knitting a warhead cozy (you know, like a tea cozy, but for warheads.) and looking very... Well, twitchy. Jarry tried his best to fall asleep, but every time he felt his eyelids droop Juanita would hover over him. Not the best of situations, so he ended up staying awake staring at Defnitly's watch, which was illuminated by the irradiated glow of Julius' arms. As he watched the time tick away 'til he was eleven, his thoughts turned to the letters and tapes. Who was sending them? What did they want to tell him so badly? It looked as if he'd never find out, now... As these depressing thoughts ran through his mind, he watched the watch. Before long it was a mere minute before he would turn eleven. Then thirty seconds. Then fifteen. Ten... Five...

Four...

Three...

Two...

One...

And absolutely nothing happened. HA! Fooled you! In fact, at the exact moment he turned eleven, the boat was kicked over and flew a dozen yards out to sea. Julius and Defnitly quickly woke, and everyone stared in awe at the towering hulk of a man who had found them.

"Er... Sorreh," the man said, finding a different boat and setting it down (overturned) on top of them all. He then lifted the boat onto one end, and flashed them all a steely grin.


	4. The Keeper Who Loved Me

**RAWRZ! Chapper 4, thrice revised, shall now COMMENCE! And this time it will be _good_ dammit! SO, here 'tis....**

Chapter 4: The Keeper Who Loved Me

The giant of a man merely nodded to Jarry, and flashed a grin at the No's, before speaking. "Jarreh, quick, enemeh agents've got us surrounded! It's a trap!"

Jarry looked around, confused by the immense man's words, but was startled to see hundreds of men with all sorts of weaponry all along the beach. Julius No had pushed the boat over, fully exposing himself and the others that had been under it, and was looking generally very pleased with himself.

"Yes! That's right, Mr. Ponder, it's a trap! I knew they would come for you eventually... But I took a vow not to let you become a... A WIZARD! And I intend to keep it," Julius yelled, revealing his dastardly (though tastefully simple) plan.

"A what now?" Jarry asked, looking very confused.

"Yer a wizard, Jarreh! And a spy! Sort've a secret triple agent, or sommat like that, since yeh didn't even know about it yerself," the man shrugged. "Now, we're gonna hafter work hard to get outta this one. Yeh'll hafter trust me, Jarreh! Yeh don't know me.. Not socially. But m'name's Haggard Jaws. I kill people." Haggard flashed Jarry a steel-toothed grin, and with the introduction out of the way, began judging the situation.

"Jarreh! Yer gonna hafter fight off No, I'll take care o' the minions!" Haggard yelled, and charged toward the nearest group of thugs. Jarry decided that this was his best shot, and turned to face No- But Julius and Defnitly had a good head start on him, running for the water. Jarry gave chase, and saw an enormous submarine rising from the water in the direction the No's were running. He knew he would have to think fast, or lose this chance and let No escape. He set his mind to thinking of a plan, but this distraction caused him to run right into an obstacle in his path. He hadn't even noticed Juanita standing there, waiting for him, until he had already rebounded off her and fell flat on his back. Jarry glanced past her and saw the No's boarding a small boat headed out to the submarine, and knew that he was already too late to get to them. At least, he thought, he would take out Juanita...

Jarry was about to check on Haggard before engaging in mortal combat with Juanita, but decided there was no need as two henchmen flew over his head and landed quite a distance away. Neither of them got back up. Jarry leapt to his feet, got into a fighting stance he'd learned in the alley behind K-Mart, and began circling his foe. Now that he had the chance to be observant, he noted Juanita held two knitting needles like daggers. Unarmed, Jarry knew this fight would be a difficult one, but he had to do his part- for Haggard, if for no other reason. He had experience fighting Juanita, so it wouldn't be anything he wasn't used to... But this time there would be no room for errors. This time, it was live and let die.

Jarry threw the first punch, and from there it was all a blur. Juanita managed to score a direct hit to his left thigh with a knitting needle, and he knew he was bleeding heavily. He managed a few good hits to Juanita's head, knocking her back some but she seemed to be only minimally injured. Juanita fought dirty, and tried to trip him several times while keeping him focused on the needles, but each time he recovered before she could strike a mortal blow. The fight continued for what seemed like an endless stretch of time, Juanita trying to cheat her way to victory and Jarry trying desperately to win while unarmed. In fact, there's no telling how long it might have gone on, if Haggard hadn't finished disposing of the minions and saw the peril Jarry was facing.

"JARREH! Catch!" He shouted, throwing his unicycle Jarry's way, intending for Jarry to use it as a weapon. Luckily for Jarry, he didn't try to catch it and it instead hit Juanita full-on, flattening her into the sand before bouncing off. The duel halted, Haggard ran over to Jarry and cast a quick healing spell- Jarry couldn't believe his eyes.

"Then it _is_ true! I'm a wizard!" Jarry gasped in awe, and Haggard merely nodded his head.

"Aye, but we've got ter hurreh! Jarreh- your mission, should you choose to accept it, is ter go ter Pigpimples School of Witchcraft and Gadgetry. There, yeh'll learn the finer points to bein' both a wizard and a spy," Haggard said, breathing deeply. "And if yeh accept, we've got ter go see the- well, suffice it ter say we've got ter hurreh!"

Jarry nodded his head, quickly, stating that he accepted the mission. Haggard nodded in approval, gave Jarry a quick smile, and then grabbed his unicycle. "Jarreh, yeh've got to hop on m'shoulders and keep yer balance. Consider it sommat like an official Pigpimples spy-division entrance exam," Haggard wasted no time; as soon as Jarry was on his shoulders and the two were on the unicycle, he sped off towards things Jarry had only imagined in his wildest dreams...

They had gone on for quite a while, and Jarry was about to ask if they could stop to get some sleep, when Haggard stopped next to a decrepit old building. Jarry hadn't been paying attention well enough to know even what city they were in, and it suddenly occurred to him that perhaps going with Haggard hadn't been the best of ideas. He decided for better or for worse, he'd have to stick this through 'til the end now, and climbed off of Haggard's shoulders. The two stared in silence at the building for a moment, and then Haggard remembered the tight schedule they were on and led Jarry to the door. Haggard pulled a pink turkey baster from a pocket, and tapped on different areas of the door a few times. The door suddenly opened as he found the right combination, and Jarry couldn't believe his eyes...

The interior was very well decorated, and everything within looked very valuable. There was gold everywhere he looked, antique furniture, and fancy curtains. Jarry couldn't understand why someone would spend that much money on the interior of a building, but leave the outside shabby and run-down... Until he recalled Haggard mentioning spies.

"Haggard, is this the secret headquarters?" Jarry asked quietly. Haggard smiled and shook his head, but didn't explain further than that. He just led Jarry down a hall, then turned left, then another left, then right- after a while, Jarry lost track. He wasn't even sure how the building could go on this far. Eventually they did come to the end of the hall, and there was a very elaborately carved door awaiting them. Haggard readied himself, pushed back his hair and adjusted his coat, and then knocked on the door three times sharply. Someone from within the room called to them, though Jarry didn't quite hear what the person said, and Haggard opened the door and gestured for Jarry to enter. At the far end of the room was a rotund old man in an expensive business suit, behind an old but well-polished desk.

"This here's Da Godfadah of Enrollment, Jarreh. He'll take care of gettin' yeh inter Pigpimples," Haggard explained, and Da Godfadah motioned for Jarry to sit in an empty chair on their side of the desk. Jarry sat down, and Haggard sat in the other chair when Da Godfadah indicated he should, and everyone remained silent for a short period of time.

"Haasammumphoogula," Da Godfadah carefully stated, after putting a great deal of thought into his words. Jarry wasn't quite sure what this meant, but Haggard nearly leapt out of his seat with joy.

"Didja hear that, Jarreh? He says yer a natural, he kin feel it!" Haggard seemed unable to contain his excitement, while Jarry tried to figure out how he determined all of that from the senseless mumblings of Da Godfadah. While Da Godfadah rambled on, and Haggard nodded excitedly, Jarry remained still and silent. After a great deal of time had passed, Da Godfadah nodded at Jarry and began writing something down. He snapped his fingers, and a winged monkey flew in through the window, taking the note and then quickly flying back through the window to deliver it.

"Jarreh! Yer in! Da Godfadah's approved yeh!" Haggard shouted once the monkey had departed.

"That's very nice and all, but what was all this about? I'm not even sure what he said..." Jarry protested.

"Oh, Jarreh- None of us are. I pretty much just nodded mah head and pretended to understand him, and when he smiled I told yeh he thought yeh're a natural. The important thing is, he sent off the monkey, and we kin go to... Otakon Alley!"

"Ota-what? What for?"

"We've got ter getcha supplies! A wand, robes, a cell phone that can be used in twenty-seven completely different ways to inflict harm on others!" Haggard responded, a little too gleeful about the cell phone. "I always did fancy me one o' them Bush-skin phone covers. Rare creatures, them!" Finishing his rant about the latest phone fashions, Haggard directed Jarry through a secret door to the left of Da Godfadah's desk. The door led out into a dead-end alley made up of brick walls, and Jarry wondered how they were ever going to manage buying school supplies of any sort in an empty alley. His worries were set aflame and pushed off a tall building onto some temporarily displaced stalagmites as Haggard tapped a few bricks with his turkey baster, opening yet another secret passage. Beyond, though, Jarry saw sights that filled him with terror and wonder and happiness- He saw fangirls and gay men and animation everywhere.

"Welcome, Jarreh! To Otakon Alley!" Haggard shouted theatrically, flashing Jarry one of his trademark grins.


	5. Otakon Alley and the Living Daylights

**Well, folks- I've got this fic on a few different sites. Damnpens, Riddikulus, and Crazy World. I have received an astounding amount of reviews, in comparison to most of my works (I dunno, I forgot to count. I know I got less than 20 reviews for this fic as of this chapter.) and yet I still have the motivation to continue (haha). Anyways, I'm pretty sure I had a point in mind for this author's note, or I wouldn't have started it out like that. But, I have apparently forgotten in my sleepy stupor, so nevermind! Let there be fics!**

**P.S.**

**I left Q alone, as sort've a tribute to Desmond. Hail, Q!**

Chapter Five: Otakon Alley and the Living Daylights

As Jarry and Haggard stepped into Otakon Alley, the entrance sealed itself behind them. Jarry payed this no mind, as he was busy looking around at all the things the alley had to offer. As it was previously mentioned, the alley was stuffed full of screaming fangirls, good-looking gay guys, and various forms of animation; but it was also lined with shops and pubs and things. Why the gay men, you may ask? Because this is how I picture conventions I've never been to. Now, on to more pressing matters... Jarry realized he had no idea what he was supposed to be buying, and mentioned this to Haggard.

"Ah, right! Yer list o' supplies! I know I've got it in here somm'ere..." Haggard muttered, digging through his pockets. Eventually he pulled a crumpled piece of paper from one of them and handed it to Jarry.

PIGPIMPLES SCHOOL

of WITCHCRAFT and GADGETRY

(insert cheap swirly line here)

UNIFORM

First-year students will require:

1. Black robes of an amount that will not be specified for fear of copyright infringement

2. One pair of protective gloves (And I am to remind you that gloves empowered by lawyers is going too far, good-natured magic ONLY)

3. One winter cloak (Go wild, pick any color you want; there are only two available)

"Well, this should all be fairly easy, but- Haggard, what are we going to do about number 4" Jarry asked, clearly unhappy about something. Haggard glanced at the list, and then began surveying the alley.

4. One forehead scar (Preferably lightning-bolt shaped and caused by magicks evil beyond comprehension)

"Well, I dinnae be knowin' 'zactly where ta get one, but I'm sure we'll find a place to get one o' them." Haggard replied, and Jarry went back to reading over the list.

COURSE BOOKS

All students should have a copy of the following:

The Book of Books You Need for Your First Year at Pigpimples

by Furter DeStoryline-Quick

OTHER EQUIPMENT

1 wand

1 cauldron

1 set glass or crystal phials

1 politically correct optical enhancement tube

1 quickly outdated but nonetheless fashionable car equipped with multitude of unnecessary gadgets

1 cellular phone capable of being used to inflict harm in twenty-seven different ways

Jarry folded the paper carefully and slipped it into his pocket, and then looked up at Haggard. "I haven't any money, how shall I pay for all these things"

Haggard nodded his head knowingly and gestured toward the opposite end of the alley, where there stood an enormous solid-gold building. As he led Jarry to the building, pointing out the shops they'd need to visit to purchase all of Jarry's equipment, Jarry simply stared at the building and wondered what it contained.

"Ah, here we are. Goldfinger's! The only bank a wizard'd ever need ter store his money in- oh, and anything else of any importance. I almost fergot- I'm 'ere on official Pigpimples business, too" Haggard's chest swelled with what appeared to be pride, but then he reached into his coat and removed a helium tank. "Always knew this thing was gonner spring a leak on meh sometime, never can trust 'em..." After patching the tank and sticking it back in his coat, Haggard and Jarry entered Goldfinger's.

"But, Haggard, what good is a bank without any money? I don't have an account." Jarry asked as they walked through the door, but he quickly shut up as a goblin threw a handful of gold at him. "... Please sir, may I have some more"

"Jarreh, put the gold down. We've got no use fer it, it's got no value in our world" Haggard informed a rather disappointed Jarry, and the two stood in silence for several minutes after Jarry had returned the gold. After the wait, another goblin approached them and asked what business they had at Goldfinger's. Haggard informed him Mr. Ponder wanted to retrieve some money from his vault, and that he himself had come for That Which Is Kept In Vault 1366613. The goblin promptly had a heart attack at the mention of afore-said item, and another goblin showed up to help them. They were led down lengthy corridors that twisted and turned so many times in so many directions, Jarry hadn't even the vaguest idea where they were or how to get back. When the goblin finally stopped, Jarry was very glad, as he needed to rest anyway.

"Here we are" The goblin (Geoffrey is his name, for you die-hard fans out there) proclaimed, and Jarry was quite glad they had finally found their destination; he didn't know how much longer he could manage to walk. And then Geoffrey spoke hope-crushing words as we all knew he would, stating"Yes, here we are, at the end of the first quarter of the journey! Now we must be careful, as we will most likely have to fend off ninja-dragons several times from here on."

As luck would have it, however, they never did run into any ninja-dragons. Once, Jarry thought he saw a puff of fire, and he was certain a shuriken or two whizzed by, but they never did encounter any actual dragons. After a long walk, they did reach the Ponder vault, and Geoffrey opened it, revealing mounds and mounds of strange currency Jarry didn't recognize.

"What are they, exactly" He asked, and Haggard gestured to the left side of the vault at piles of gold coins.

"Those there, the gold ones 'at look like characters from outdated video games, those're Ghaleons. Then, the silver ones in the center are Sycles... An' the coppereh ones on the right are Knuts. It's a pretteh basic moneh system, Jarreh" Haggard explained, and after Jarry loaded up his pockets with as much wizard currency as he could, they began the considerably shorter journey to Vault 1366613. Upon their arrival, Jarry's curiosity had mounted. He wondered what exactly it was that was being guarded here, that could induce goblinoid heart attacks, and anxiously awaited the opening of the vault. Geoffrey paused dramatically in front of the vault door, which was easily two or three times the size of Haggard, before continuing.

"Yes, here we are. Vault 1366613. I assure you, it's absolutely impossible for anyone to infiltrate this vault" Geoffrey said proudly, and waved his hand at the door.

"If anybody but a Goldfinger's Goblin tried that, they'd be blown into pieces, incinerated, and tossed into an alternate dimension" Haggard informed Jarry, who stared in awe as the door made several clicking and grinding sounds before swinging open. Jarry wasn't the only one in shock when they saw what was in the vault, though...

"About time you got here, Double-oh-nothing! I've been waiting for ages. Now, let's get you equipped for school" An old man in a plain looking business suit said, gesturing at Jarry. "By the way, I hope you don't mind about the number. Triple-zero is the only position we have left." The man introduced himself as Q, and while Geoffrey tried to figure out how Q got in, Haggard made his way to a pedestal in the center of the room and took a meticulously wrapped, marble-sized package from the top of it. Q had a pile of things with him, all of which were on Jarry's list of school equipment, and gave each item to Jarry individually while demanding that he treat them with care. Eventually Q exhausted his supplies, but there were still three items on Jarry's list.

"Ah, yes. The quickly-outdated car. I've got one waiting for you outside of Goldfinger's, and" Q pulled a key and an air freshener from his pocket and handed them both to Jarry. "-There you go. The cell phone, we'll get to in a moment- as for the _scar_..." Jarry remembered what the list had said about a scar caused by evil magicks, and began to sweat as Q removed a wand from his wand holster and aimed it carefully at Jarry's forehead. Q muttered something under his breath, pressed the wand to Jarry's forehead, and then Jarry closed his eyes and waited for the worst... Q made a zig-zag motion with the wand pressed to Jarry's forehead, and then pulled back, and Jarry opened his eyes.

"Lighten up, Double-oh-nothing. It's a sharpie" Q explained. "We'll get you a real one some other time." After the scar business was over, Q stuck his hand into his jacket and removed a moderate-sized cell phone, which he handed to Jarry. "And, finally, the Twenty-Seven Cell. If you press these..." Q explained, pointing out a sequence of buttons. "...The phone auto-dials a telemarketer. Only use that feature under the most dire of circumstances, Double-oh-nothing! Understand? The other combinations are all in the user's manual." Jarry took the manual from Q as it was offered, and then Q turned toward the back of the vault.

"And now, as I detest field-equipping, I will be returning to Pigpimples for a little rest and relaxation before classes begin. Goodbye, Double-oh-nothing" Q said as the section of the floor he was standing on began ascending and a panel in the ceiling slid open. Shortly, the elevator lifted beyond Jarry's sight and the panel in the ceiling closed itself, leaving him with Haggard and Geoffrey. Geoffrey stared a moment longer at the spot Q had been standing, and then turned to leave. Haggard and Jarry followed closely, and before long they had already finished the uneventful journey back to the entrance hall of Goldfinger's.

"Haggard... What exactly _was_ in Vault 1366613" Jarry asked once they had bid Geoffrey goodbye and left the building.

"Oh, I cannae tell yeh that, Jarreh. Mister Mumblemore swore me ter secreceh, he did" Haggard explained, looking quite proud of himself once more. After Haggard finished speaking, he noticed Jarry was busy staring ahead at a '73 mini Cooper convertible parked in front of them. The car had a tag affixed to one of the side mirrors that read 'to Jarry.'

"This must be th'car Q was talkin' about, Jarreh. Yeh cannae drive 'til MI6 gives yeh yer license to kill, an' mine got torn up when I was expelled, so we'll have someone pick it up fer yeh" Haggard told Jarry, who looked disappointed at this news. After a moment of thought, Haggard determined they'd have to visit the local pub to find someone to deliver the car to Pigpimples for them.

"To The Tinklin' Witch, Jarreh! No finer pub in all o' England, I dare say" Haggard boasted while leading the way to the pub. It turned out to be a very short walk, something for which Jarry was very thankful, but upon arriving Jarry noticed something strange about the pub.

"Haggard... It's as if no one else can see it" Jarry noted, staring questioningly at Haggard.

"Aye, Jarreh. 'Tis an enchantment! No non-magic folk allowed."

"Oh no, I've gone cross-eyed" A passerby exclaimed as he tried to look at The Tinkling Witch (The pub, dear reader, I mean the pub.). Jarry shrugged his shoulders and followed Haggard into the pub, and as soon as they had entered the usually noisy place fell silent.

"B-bless me soul! It's- It's a miracle" One of the patrons shouted upon spotting Jarry, and the bartender called out to Haggard and led them behind the bar just in time for them to avoid being stampeded by the dozens of customers.

"Sorry about that, Haggard. Catholic priest convention, today. Oh! And... And this is _him_" The bartender said, finally recognizing Jarry. "Mr. Ponder! A pleasure to meet you, sir" The bartender shook hands with Jarry, and then excitedly led them into the storage room behind the bar. The room was full of serious-looking men in black suits, all of which were wearing black sunglasses as well.

"Good day, Mr. Ponder. We're the Men in Back. We've been assigned to you during your visit to Otakon Alley; is there anything we can help you with" One of the men asked.

"I... I suppose so. My car- Well, I can't drive yet, I don't have my license. But I need it delivered to Pigpimples" Jarry began, and the same man who had spoken before nodded his head and cut off Jarry in mid-sentence to speak into a microphone concealed in his jacket.

"Have Mr. Ponder's car delivered to Pigpimples immediately" The man ordered, and then waited a moment as if for a response. A moment later he nodded his head and again directed his attention to Jarry.

"Anything else, Mr. Ponder"

"Jarreh's gonna need a ride to th'station, I gotter get You-Know-What delivered to You-Know-Who before You-Know-When, or the other You-Know-Who will know about You-Know-What and do You-Know-What to get at You-Know-Who. You know" Haggard then said his goodbyes, assured Jarry that they'd meet again once he was at Pigpimples, and left Jarry in the hands of the Men in Back.


End file.
